Your wisdom

Dad,

Father's Day just passed.   Our first without you.
The next day we said goodbye to Spook.
Joanie held him as he left this world.
We will put him under the kitty tree,
maybe in your next life together he will
let you rub on him! 

And tonight I find myself missing you.
Alligator tears and sobs missing you. 
I'm not sure what brought it on.

Earlier this week I remembered how hard
this time last year was. 
You were done with
radiation and the first round of chemo.
And you stopped eating and drinking.
The pain in your throat/chest was just too much.

And my life in Minny was falling apart.
I was not loved by a person I had trusted my heart with.

We spent so much time together last summer.
And I am so thankful for every minute.
So grateful that I was able to be by your side.

Tonight I got teary when I realized that I'm no longer
going to benefit from your wisdom of random knowledge
and miscellaneous facts.
You loved to learn.
And you loved to share that knowledge with others.

There would always be this moment though...
at the start of your knowledge sharing...
where we would have to decide if you were bullshitting us
or if the information was legit.
And even then- with radar up, you would still fool us.

I loved that. (and hated it).
And I will miss it.  And you.
Everyday.

five weeks

Thank you for your note. You sent it on a Monday... and Monday's are hard. Each week I realize another week has passed and the time and space since I last saw, talked to and hugged Dad grows. It makes me so teary and sad. But I know that time and space also heal and that eventually it will not be so raw and hurt so much... but I'm just not there yet.

Today is five weeks- that is more time than we had to transition from thinking we were all going on a family vacation to Hawaii to saying goodbye to Dad.

And this weekend was particularly hard for me- a year ago my parents told my grandparents about the cancer. On St Pat's I spent six hours in the car driving to see Dad and answer questions about his treatment for my grandparents. I have the most vivid memory of Dad driving my gparents lawnmower, picking up leaves. He was so happy it was warm and he could be outside doing something he loved. I then back to Minneapolis to be with my boyfriend and friends to celebrate. This year was just so different.

I'm so thankful to you for your friendship. I feel so supported by you. And somehow it feels different from the support my friends in Minny are giving. I guess it's because you knew Dad and loved him too. Please just know that it means so much.

Another week has passed

Another week has passed
And all of the people have
gone home
And it's just been Mom and I.

The Celebration we had
for him was exactly the
type of party he would have
love.

He would have not wanted to leave.

And this week was
Tyler's 27th birthday
and the day, one year ago
that Mom and Dad told us
there were spots.

Highs and lows

And then mom.
She has been amazing
and then falls apart.
Worried that they were
not enough, that his time
with her was not enough
and that is heartbreaking.

In some moments I want time to
freeze and to keep all these memories
fresh and close.
But I know that time
will help to heal
so there are moments
that I just wish the next
year and all the
1st we will have to
experience without him
to quickly pass.

A week ago...

My dad died a week ago.

I don't really have words to
describe the blur that has
been the last 7 days.

I woke up this morning
and could not rembember
what day of the week...
and just as I looked
at my phone...

Monday, 9:00am.

It's been a whole week.
And the time and space
from when I last saw him
or last spoke to him
will only grow

And that is the saddest
thing of all.

End of a Journey- February 12th email to Friends

Dear friends,

As you may know, Dad died yesterday morning with Mom, lil'sis, his brother and I at his bedside. True to form, he was ready to go on his own schedule...On Saturday night we all said our goodbyes and took a shot of his favorite German schnapps with him. He spent all day Sunday resting fairly comfortably on the couch in our living room.

Many of you know that Dad and I spent a lot of time together in a car this summer.  And on one of drives in the Wisconsin farmland while Dad was calculating acres of cornfields and telling me about the anticipated yield we talked about when it would be time to let go and end this fight.  I promised that I would be at his side and help him to be as comfortable as possible at home.  But, I recognized aloud that he would arrive at this point in the journey much faster than Mom, lil'sis and I would be ready or willing to accept.  So, I asked him to promise to give us time to catch up to him.  He turned toward me and replied "I'll just be sure to tell you early," with his typical sly grin and chuckle at himself.

I believe that Dad was Dad true to form until the end.  Just as he said... he told us early, giving us a moment to catch up to him. 

Here is a link to Dad's obituary: 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your love and support.  I will be forever grateful that I have been able to be here knowing there is a small army of friends tending to my house, sending me loving notes, and that you will be there when I return to Minneapolis.

I plan to stay in Stockton for a while longer to be with Mom.  I will most likely return to Minneapolis the last week of February.

As always... hug and love extra hard on someone important to you.

February 5th email to Friends

Dear Friends,

Below is a message we sent out to update Mom and Dad's family and friends and I wanted to share an update with you as well. 

I'm so thankful for all of the love and support I've felt from you in the past 10 days. We have experience the most caring support both from Minneapolis and the local community.  One of my favorite notes comes from a family friend who called Dad a "land-whisperer" and talked about growing his babies in the basement and tending to the earth to help them grow. She says "when a garden thrives and a crop grows... you will always be there working hard."  I've promised Dad to always have a garden and asked him to watch over me and lend his green thumb.

I've taken a leave of absence from work, and lil'sis and Mom are both able to work from the dining room table.   We are existing in a little bubble of love, gratitude, sadness and occasional cherished moments of dear old dad's quick wit/humor.

Please send us your positive thoughts and wishes for peace and calm in the coming days.  And as always, please tell someone you love just how important they are to you...

Much love, 
------------------------------

Dear Friends and Family,

 

We are writing to update you on the last 10 days of having Dad at home.  Thank you for the beautiful outpouring of memories and love we have felt from you.

 

Dad continues to grow weaker each day.  This is such a frustrating thing for this once strong and active man.  He uses oxygen all of the time, and is fatigue just getting out of bed in the morning.  His quick wit is still intact and he will often catch us off guard with one of his smart comments and sly grins when he knows he just fooled us.

 

Every day we receive emails and cards that share wonderful memories of Dad's gifts to all of us.  Memories of his life at the Mill; how involved he is in his communities; his love of gardening and the beautiful produce he grew and loved to share; and memories of our childhood and how blessed we are to have him in our lives.  He enjoys having us read these notes to him. 

 

Thank you again for your love and support,

Jan 26th email to Friends

Hello,

 

Tonight we sent the email below to Mom and Dad friends and family.  I wanted to share it with all of you as well.  I'm not sure what life holds for the next few weeks, but I think I'll remain in Stockton for the time being.

 

And just as I asked before...please reach out to those you love and make sure they know how important they are to you. 

 

Love,

--------

 

Dear Friends and Family,

 

We are writing again with unfortunate news. We have just returned home from a 4-day stay at UW Madison Hospital, due to complications of Dad's cancer. While we were there, a CT scan showed agressive growth since our last scans on the 26th of December. We met with Dad's oncologist and she recommended stopping further treatments so we can focus on making him comfortable at home with Hospice care.

 

Our time together is short and we know how much he means to all of you. We'd like to request you send letters with your favorite memories of Dad as a way to remind him of a special time you shared together. Things feel a little overwhelming as we process this new news, and we'd like to ask for your help in spreading the word to those we missed or those without email.

 

After spending time with us, one of Dad's doctors commented that we were a beautiful family. And that it was obvious that Dad is proud of the life he has lived, the choices he has made and his three girls. We think of all of you as part of our extended family and have felt your love and continued support.

 

The girls will be checking this inbox regularly and will keep everyone up to date as things progress.

 

Love,